The following is a satirical article meant for entertainment purposes only. It is quite literally fake news.
After 287 days of gray drizzle and vitamin D deficiency, Washington residents are outraged that the sun has the audacity to show up and do its job.
Across the Pacific Northwest, temperatures have crept above 80 degrees, triggering a full-scale emotional crisis among Washingtonians who just last week were screaming “Where’s summer?!” into their compost bins.
“Ugh, it’s too hot,” muttered everyone within three minutes of walking outside, clutching iced Americanos while Googling “how to install AC without angering landlord.”
Spokane to Sequim, Tacoma to Twisp—residents are slathering on SPF 1000 and dramatically fanning themselves with old ferry schedules, all while conveniently forgetting they spent most of the year crying into their wool socks about the rain.
“Sure, I said I wanted sun,” said Linda from Ballard, applying a frozen bag of peas to her neck. “But I meant, like…filtered sun. Behind a nice layer of mist.”
Local weather apps have been flooded with passive-aggressive reviews, with one user writing:
“One star. Sun too strong. No polite clouds to soften glare. Would prefer light drizzle and 62 degrees.”
Meanwhile, hardware stores are sold out of fans, portable AC units, and even that sad little misting thing from Home Depot that kind of works if you stand directly under it and pray.
City officials have issued no formal heat warnings, but unofficially recommend residents:
- Keep calm and spritz on
- Avoid making eye contact with the actual sun
- Remember that complaining is a core Washington tradition, second only to recycling
Still, some longtime locals are trying to reframe the moment. “It’s not heat,” said Greg, a Kirkland-based amateur climatologist. “It’s just aggressive warmth. And it builds character.”
